Most couples would rather do just about anything than talk about money. But Heather and Douglas Boneparth—a married couple who both work as financial advisors—have a different take. They told CNBC that those uncomfortable conversations can actually bring partners closer together, precisely because our finances are so deeply connected to our lives and emotional well-being.
"Money is more than money," Heather explained. "Some of the emotions we tie to money include love, safety, independence, trust, control — and that's true for people from any socioeconomic background."
The Boneparths know what they're talking about. They met during freshman year of college and got married in 2013. Three years later, Douglas, a certified financial planner, founded Bone Fide Wealth, a New York City-based wealth management firm. Last month, they published their second book together, "Money Together," which is packed with financial advice and wisdom specifically for couples.
Start Early, But Don't Lead With Your Bank Statement
According to the Boneparths, financially healthy couples bring up money early in their relationships and keep the conversation going throughout. The key is knowing how to ease into it.
"The earlier, the better," Douglas said. "But that doesn't mean you have to dive right into the numbers. Imagine talking about that on a third date? Not cool. But there are so many ways to talk about money without talking about money."
His approach? Ask broader questions about your partner's childhood, values, and long-term goals. These conversations can reveal a lot about someone's financial habits and attitudes without demanding they disclose their checking account balance over appetizers.
Once you're past the early stages, Douglas advises couples to make money talks a regular occurrence. Avoiding the topic might feel easier in the short term, but it usually backfires.
"When you hide financial details from your partner, whether it's debt, spending habits, or something you're just embarrassed about, it never stays hidden forever," he told CNBC. "Having to explain something uncomfortable later only makes it harder to deal with."
Make Room for Different Money Mindsets
Here's the thing: couples rarely agree completely when it comes to finances. That's why the Boneparths stress the importance of "making room" for your partner's perspective when crafting a financial strategy together.
"Some of our deepest feelings around money stem from our individual backgrounds," Heather said. "Now, try marrying those beliefs and behaviors with someone else's. It's not easy, and we don't always take the time to understand enough about our partner's underlying feelings around money and why they do what they do."
She continued: "I think 'making room' from a financial perspective means making room at the table for your partner's financial beliefs, goals, appetite for risk and opinions about how you save, spend and invest."
In other words, your partner's financial choices aren't just random—they're rooted in their history and values. Understanding that can help turn arguments about money into productive conversations.
Finding Financial Fairness
One of the trickiest questions for couples: how should we handle our money and bills? The Boneparths have a practical suggestion that balances teamwork with autonomy.
"I've found that joint accounts for managing household expenses work best. It promotes transparency and teamwork," Douglas told CNBC. "That said, there's nothing wrong with keeping your own individual checking accounts, too. Maintaining your sense of financial autonomy can be really healthy."
When partners earn different amounts—which is common—Douglas says the goal should be "financial fairness" rather than splitting everything 50/50.
"When one partner earns or has more, unspoken assumptions can creep in. That's where disparate power dynamics can calcify," he explained. "Fairness means you both feel respected and seen for what you value individually and as a couple. One person might earn more while the other contributes in different but equally meaningful ways, like managing the home, raising kids and planning for the future."
The bottom line? Money conversations don't have to be painful. When couples approach them with honesty, empathy, and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives, those discussions can actually strengthen their relationship instead of threatening it.
